Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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