Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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