??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Randomize
