Your tits are I can't wait for
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
