Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
