I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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