On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
