Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
