I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
