People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
