if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
