I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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