Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
