My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
