Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
