So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we made out on top of his cat.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
