Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
