Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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