just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
