I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
