I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
