I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
