I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
