He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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