I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
