I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
