By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
