Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
