I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
