I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
