u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
birth control should be required to get into college
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
