Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
