nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
