I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
