so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
