I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
