Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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