Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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