based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
