Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
