i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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