her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
