Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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