Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
