my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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