wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
