I think I won the penis lottery.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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