Soap is not a condiment
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
