i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
