watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
