need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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