I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you told grandpa to call you daddy
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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