Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
