i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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