I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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