You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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